The Idea of Progress

The Idea of Progress is Moving!

2008-05-25T16:02:00.005-05:00

You may or may not have noticed, but the Idea of Progress has a new look and a new home. The website has remained the same (although some of you might have old links-- if it's not May 25th or so and this is the most recent post, please visit theideaofprogress.com).

I have begun hosting my own interwebs, which means I get as many email addresses as I want, the ability to host videos (and not have them taken down by the Church of Scientology), and an inflated sense of self-importance.

I'm still learning Wordpress - expect the look of this thing to change over the next few weeks as I make the necessary adjustments. tIoP is not a super tech savvy fellow, so this may be rough going for a while.

What has the Idea of Progress learned since the blog began on Christmas Eve of 2006?

-McGone is the devil. That much should be obvious.

-People love bunnies.

-It just might be possible to talk about wine and not come off like a dick. Just maybe.

-The Forevertron is one weird sculpture.

And so farwell, Blogger. You have treated me well, and I've left you for a younger, more attractive platform. Think of me well.

tIoP= Automobile, McGone=Series of Bystanders

2008-05-23T08:20:00.006-05:00

And Fernando? We'll just see about that.

tIoP <3 Indy

2008-05-22T09:15:00.004-05:00

tIoP has been Blog-Blocked

2008-05-07T08:17:00.013-05:00

It is not as if the Idea of Progress has been posting with any of the frequency of the past, but a recent event has disrupted even this, the fragile regularity of tIoP's posts.

The Idea of Progress was framed.

Google was lead to believe that tIoP was a spam blog.

Google claims that this was the result of a false positive from their little helper robots, who apparently scour the blogosphere in search of crime, sort of like the Transformers, but without the whole transforming or crappy Michael Bay remakes.

tIoP could not access my account, tIoP could not post a lovely entry about common courtesy in movie theaters that he had been composing in his head all day.

The Idea of Progress doesn't buy that it was a random problem. tIoP knows that someone is trying to put an end to the blog that has not won the Nobel Peace Prize nor the Pulitzer (but did win Sexiest Man Alive), but has nonetheless changed the face of humanity as we now know it.

There is someone out there with his fingerprints all over this. And tIoP is unafraid to air out his suspicions-- this madman must be stopped for all that is good and pure in this world, for this soon to be named villain is a threat to our way of life and our very existence. We must draw a line in the sand!

We must rally against...McGone.

Yes, I've said it. I hold the International House of Blogcakes responsible for this. It has McGone's fingerprints all over it.

And I will have my vengeance.

Master Criminal

2008-05-02T11:24:00.001-05:00

The Idea of Progress likes money as much as the next internationally recognized blogging superstar. Money allows people of tIoP's rarified status to enjoy the finer things in life, such as private jets, champagne and the occasional dip in a swimming pool full of Jello. We all have different approaches to aquiring this type of wealth.

Some are born with it, some earn it though savvy trading of stocks. Some invest in hedge funds, others write novels or pop songs. But one man had a more innovative approach, and the Idea of Progress must salute him for his creativity and audacity.

Charlie Ray Fuller, a 21 year old Texas resident, apparently wanted to start a record company. So he did what any enterprising young mogul would do. He forged a check from his girlfriend's mother's bank account and attempted to pass it off at a Ft. Worth bank. But here's where he made a small mistake that got him caught-- He made out the check for $360 billion dollars.

$360,000,000,000.

That's more than the entire bank was worth.

But the Idea of Progress salutes his gumption, and his dreams of a better tomorrow.

Things That Are Wrong

2008-04-23T14:33:00.003-05:00

Okay, I promised no more political posts, but I couldn't resist.

I don't even know what to say, other than when I read the description of this, I figured it featured actors impersonating Clinton, Obama and McCain.

Nope.

May I present Wrestling style trash-talking from our candidate. Pardon me while I walk away, hanging my head in shame.

An Attempt to Get Back on Track

2008-04-22T09:55:00.003-05:00

The Idea of Progress will be posting regularly once again. As a first effort towards this goal, may I present to you the biggest bunny ever.

You should read about this, it's pretty rad.

Okay, Seriously, Where has the Idea of Progress Been?

2008-04-20T11:47:00.008-05:00

Working on another blog. For those of you that skip by all of the political posts here at the Idea of Progress, take comfort in that they will no longer appear here. From now on this will be all pictures of bunnies and Bono hatred and creepy Craigslist Missed Connections.

I've begun a new site called The Elitist, which will hopefully be an online magazine focusing on politics and culture. Right now it looks more like a blog, but we're working on it now to change its format.

The Elitist is also looking for contributors. If you have any interest in contributing either editorials or features, please email me about it.

And I'll be back here for your entertainment purposes soon. Please enjoy this Google ad I found in my absence:

Official Character Actor Update

2008-04-15T23:18:00.005-05:00

Official Character Actor of the Idea of Progress Zooey Deschanel has released an album with singer M. Ward under the name She & Him. Read all about it in the New York Times.

Things That Are Wrong

2008-04-15T13:14:00.003-05:00

When I was in high school, I occasionally worked on the school paper. I was never a staff member, more of a volunteer that occasionally wrote poor movie reviews. The adviser to the paper was Linda Kane, who was also the journalism teacher.

I won't invent stories about how my work on the paper changed my life, but it did teach me some very valuable things about writing, about composition, brevity and most importantly, editing.

Under Kane's supervision, the paper, the Central Times, gained national exposure from the New York Times for its investigative journalism, which resulted in censorship by then-principal Tom Paulson, a bill passed by lawmakers in Illinois, and a veto by Governor Jim Thompson. It was the recipient of nine National Scholastic Press Association Pacemaker awards in 19 years, given annually to 20-25 of the best student papers in the country.

The Central Times recently published a series of stories about marijuana use, three pieces, which the subject was treated frankly and featured the use of swear words in direct quotation. From the Chicago Tribune:

Kane said she got e-mails from administrators expressing their disappointment with the stories shortly after the package was published. Naperville Central Principal Jim Caudill and Student Activities Director Lynne Nolan visited the newspaper staff March 3, when Caudill said the newspaper's policy on the use of profanity should be changed, Kane said.

She and Central Times' editors refused, saying they had adapted the policy, which allows profanity in a direct quote if the words "are imperative to the content or meaning of that quote," from the Student Press Law Center, an advocacy group for student press rights.

But an interview with the Daily Herald got Kane into deeper trouble. She contended in a March 7 article that Caudill and other administrators "don't know squat" about 1st Amendment law. Then, she said Caudill "is all about PR and doesn't want any bumps in the road."

Kane was asked to resign. She refused.

She was fired.

I find this troubling for many reasons. How can we expect students to read the big boy newspaper when we deny them the ability to participate in its dialogue? It is a hopelessly misguided notion to deny the student paper to write about topics that actually matter to its readers. Students smoke pot at Naperville Central. I know this for a fact. The student body is well aware of this fact.

If the appearance of an article of this nature is deemed inappropriate for students, does that mean that the New York Times or the Chicago Tribune is also inappropriate?

I added the Tribune article to Digg. Please visit and Digg it (for the non-initiates, this means to vote for the article to raise it's ranking and exposure). I also added it to Reddit, if you've got a minute.

We shouldn't reward our most talented educators with termination.

Everyone Hates Bush

2008-04-07T10:36:00.004-05:00

I never thought that Arnold would be anything remotely like a good politician, but he constantly proves me wrong. Plus, it looks like he hates Bush as much as the rest of us, so he can't be all bad.

From meignorant.com.

Things That Sound Made Up

2008-04-06T17:38:00.004-05:00

When I first read about this in Time, I had to scroll up and look at the date to make sure it wasn't an April Fool's joke. It just doesn't sound real. But it is.

There are apparently anti-emo riots going on in Mexico.

Yeah. Emo.

Rockabilly kids and metalheads and cholos have been ganging up to beat the crap out of sissy eyeliner wearing emo kids. Like, hundreds of people chasing down four or five sensitive teenagers. And beating them up. And recording it on their cell phone cameras.

Don't believe me? Here's another article about it from Wired. I don't know whether to be concerned that kids are getting beaten up just for their taste in music...but...

I mean...

They're emo kids.

Best of Craigslist

2008-04-06T11:10:00.004-05:00

so you have your own massage parlor now - w4m
Reply to: pers-626610817@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-04-01, 2:02PM CDT

i'm even more intrigued.
you have ambition to match your stunning looks.
i would love a formal invitation, beyond the "birthday gift" flyer
i'll bring the wine if you provide the stimulation.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 626610817

Original post.

Charlton Heston is Dead

2008-04-06T00:47:00.002-05:00

I guess we can get that gun back from him now.

Things the Idea of Progress Irrationally Hates

2008-04-04T11:21:00.004-05:00

No.1: Opening packages from the bottom

There are tops and bottoms of things. Things on top are placed there to remain on top, while things on the bottom conversely are expected to sustain that position. While there may be certain exciting and R-rated exceptions to this rule, one instance to which it applies is the opening of bags of chips.

To wit: The Special Lady Friend of the Idea of Progress (we'll henceforth refer to her as the SLFotIoP to keep things properly confusing) opened a bag of tortilla chips. Now, the bags of these chips, like many others, are printed in such a manner as to suggest a proper place for opening them. That place? The top.

However, much to my dismay, this particular bag of chips (El Rancheros, by far the best chips you'll find outside of a good Mexican restaurant) was not opened at the top. It was opened at the bottom. Why was this a problem? asked the SLFotIoP? The only answer that tIoP could muster was that if I tried to read the label on the bag, all of the chips would fall out on the floor.

The SLFotIoP asked if I needed to read the label, since I have been purchasing the same brand of tortilla chips for at least six years. She also asked if it really, seriously bugged me.

And tIoP wept, and admitted it did.

Everyone Hates Bush

2008-04-03T15:18:00.002-05:00

From Spiegel Online.

Anyone? Anyone?

2008-04-03T11:52:00.003-05:00

So far, no one seemed to have watched my Hillary in the House video. Perhaps it's too clean cut. How about something a little less, to titillate the kiddies?

These are outtakes, kinda sorta, from the eCousinality commercial I shot. I wouldn't say it's NSFW, but you might want to turn the volume down a little lower.

Hillary In the House

2008-03-31T23:47:00.002-05:00

After I read this article, I couldn't resist making this.

Where is tIoP?

2008-03-28T13:34:00.003-05:00

The answer? Around. He'll be back. He's just hiding from y'all.

Sometimes a Momentous Event Yields a Silly Headline

2008-03-28T08:38:00.003-05:00

They fed them dumplings?

Stolen Quote of the Day

2008-03-14T10:01:00.003-05:00

"Just so we don't have to go through this whole resignation thing again," one ballsy reporter asked, "have you ever patronized a prostitute?" Paterson thought for a minute. "Only the lobbyists," he said.

-Soon to be New York Governor David Paterson

Stolen from Salon.

Thinking Outside of the Box

2008-03-13T13:52:00.000-05:00

A Good Idea

2008-03-12T10:48:00.006-05:00

I think Spitzer and Larry Craig should form a bi-partisan crime fighting superteam. Since Elliot has quit his job and all.

And I'm guessing Larry won't be reelected.

At least none of these sex scandals involved People's Sexiest Man Alive.

Quote of the Day

2008-03-11T13:45:00.004-05:00

"[Ben Stein, in the new pro-Creationist documentary Expelled] uses "straw man" tactics to attack, mainly The Origin of the Species, as Darwin wrote it in 1859. That's like a music critic reviewing "the latest" by only referring to Edison's wax cylinders."

-- Orlando Sentinel film critic Roger Moore, who while not being James Bond, did manage to sneak into a private screening he had been uninvited to, in his review of the film.

Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out!

2008-03-10T14:39:00.002-05:00

MSNBC has cancelled Tucker Carlson's show, Tucker.

It's about time. Tucker is everything I hate in TV punditry-- ill informed, smarmy and mule-headed. He's not as bad as Sean Hannity (or even worse, Joe Scarborough) but as Monica says, he's a poo tissue. I can deal with a Reaganite (barely), but not when they're masquerading as a populist.

It was a matter of great satisfaction to see him get torn a new one by Jon Stewart on an infamous episode of Crossfire, Carlson's previous show.

Tucker, I hope you go back to whatever rock you crawled out from under.

Ciao!

Best of Craigslist

2008-03-10T00:20:00.002-05:00

To the Neo-Nazi that hit on me on Monday - w4m
Reply to: pers-598591295@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-07, 12:02PM CST

You told me to google "14 words" and when I got to work, I did.

You are sick. If I had known who you were at the time, I would have punched you in the face.

Never. EVER. Talk to me again.

Location: Blue Line
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 598591295

---
Original post

Uwe Boll vs. Steven Spielberg

2008-03-05T19:33:00.006-06:00

I would call this David vs. Goliath, but really, it's more like one of the tripods from War of the Worlds vs...uh... Uwe Boll. In case you don't know who this Boll fellow is, he is a German director of what I might hesitantly call 'movies.' Most of his films are adaptations of video games. One was described on MSNBC as

"It’s asking for a lot to top a film where Sir Ben Kingsley (Academy Award for best actor in “Gandhi,” 1982) is the bad guy who wants to remove the Eyeball of Power that Kristanna Loken, a lady-vampire with no need for human blood, has somehow managed to absorb directly into her lady-vampire skull. And that’s just one part of the milkshake of insanity that is this movie’s plot. "

It's actually been rumored that Herr Boll's entire career has been nothing but a tax scam, some complicated scheme where he purposely makes terrible films and then somehow profits off of their loss, ie the Producers. He has actually challenged critics of his movie to a boxing match (and won!)

When Googling him before I wrote this, I actually found not only one site dedicated to the awfulness of the oeuvre of Uwe Boll, but a litney of them, including an online petition to prevent him from ever making movies again.

Anyway.

There's a little movie coming out on May 22, an installment in a film series about an archeologist named Henry Jones, Jr. ("Indiana was the dog's name!"). Uwe Boll ain't afraid of little Stevie Spielberg. To wit: a press release from Mr. Boll:

On the Indiana Jones weekend - May 23 - we will go out and destroy Indiana Jones in the Box Office! We all know that Harrison Ford is older as my grandpa and his time is up - would Michael Moore say! ... Spielberg gets sloppy. We saw that with War of the Worlds (why the fuck the older brother survived?) and also in parts of Jaws, E.T., Munich etc.! My performance in Postal as 'Nazi Theme Park Owner' outperforms easily Ben Kingsley in Schindler's List!

As a fan of the underdog, I would typically cheer on such a moronic idea. Except for the fact that I agree that Uwe Boll is about the worst director in the 111 years of cinema (maybe a close second to Michael Bay), and that I have been waiting for the new Indiana Jones movie for oh, 18 years.

Incidently, the petition has 18,068 signatures. 18,069, now that I have signed it.

Dear Mike,

2008-03-05T13:23:00.003-06:00

First of all, I'm still here. I know I haven't posted in a while-- I've had some sort of mysterious ailment that seems to have subsided. Probably the flu. Who knows?

How are you? So, you finally decided to drop out of the presidential race, huh? That doesn't surprise me. What does is that you hadn't dropped out a while ago, back when it was determined that it was impossible for you to earn the nomination. But, as you said, you believe in miracles. I guess you just didn't get one. Maybe it's like saving up for later, when you'll really need it, like when you're running for president of the galaxy or something.

I have to admit, for a bible-thumping ultra-conservative right wing Republican, you seem like a pretty nice guy. It's not often that you come across people like that, especially when they're running for president, but you never really acted like a jerk, ever. You give bible-thumping ultra-conservative right wing Republicans a good name, which is a very difficult task to accomplish. So I commend you on that.

But the public's dismissal of you has a silver lining, for me at least. I actually figured you for the Republican nominee a couple of months ago. But the fact that John McCain is more popular goes to show how sick the American people are of Bush-era politics. Instead of the politically and religously conservative candidate, they go for the wild card, so to speak, someone who doesn't believe in the impending apocolypse, and who probably believes in evolution, and...uh... gravity and all of that. That's a positive sign.

It was nice knowing you, and I'm glad you pardoned Keith Richards after all of these years. Take care.

Your Pal,

The Idea of Progress

Hilary Clinton is Tracy Flick

2008-02-26T12:43:00.002-06:00

The Idea of Progress has been sick the last few days and apologizes for the lack of posts. Please enjoy this video from Slate in the meantime.

The Blogosphere Interviews The Idea of Progress, pt. 1

2008-02-20T21:41:00.012-06:00

Some people are considered worthy of an interview. Perhaps it is due to their talent. It could be due to their intelligence, or good looks.

These people are great and all, but there is one man who has risen above all of this.

The Idea of Progress. For he is not interviewed by a person. He is interviewed by the entire blogosphere.

Laaw-yur (Adventures in Self-Loathing): "You can have any ten people - living, dead, mythical, and/or fictional - in your "posse". Who are they and why did you chose them? Feel free to assign them gratuitous superpowers and make your own Justice League."

tIoP: What an excellent question. I would choose the Idea of Progress, of course, cloned ten times. There is no problem that eleven of us could not surmount. I would assign them talents, but that supposes that the Idea of Progress lacks talent in any area.

--

Bert Bananas: "If you could only watch one of these two shows which would it be why: Simpsons or Family Guy?"

tIoP: The Idea of Progress prefers the Simpsons, of course. Without character development and a consistent storyline, we are left with the equivalent of pratfalls and fart jokes, which are all well and good, but in small doses.

It must be said that I prefer to spend my time reading Rabelais to either. Now THAT's comedy.

--

"Dear Idea of Progress,

Can you settle a bar bet for me? For the past 1,000 years, my buddies and I have been arguing about the omnipotence paradox - you know, the ol' "Can God create a rock so large that It cannot lift it?" Finally, I told my philosopher buddy J.L. Cowan to put his money where his mouth is, and I bet him a plate of P.T. McDeliousness's red-hot "spicy, not pricey" chicken wings that God totally can't do this. Who's the winner?

Sincerely,

Pistols at Dawn
(Save Your Generation)"

tIoP: A philosophical question, I see! Here's the answer to your question: There is no God. Santa Claus, however, does have that ability. He can also shoot lasers out of his rectum (very few people are aware of this). So you're both wrong. That makes you bad people.

--

Cowboy the Cat (The Hidden Agenda of Cowboy the Cat): If "The Idea of Progress were an actor, what actor would The Idea of Progress be? What roles would The Idea of Progress take to improve the standing of said actor? Finally, what roles has said actor taken that The Idea of Progress feels may have been ill-advised, and why?"

tIoP: Few people know that the Idea of Progress has starred in all six Police Academy movies, under the pseudonym of "Michael Winslow." Yes, it was tIoP that made all of those wacky sound effects-- and hilarity ensued. The perfect character created, and the perfect role filled, tIoP decided to retire, since I had other things to do. Like drink beer and nap.

--

Monica (The Ramblings of a Crazy...): "tIoP, we're dying to know...Even though these are all your signature pieces, which item can't you live without: your Crimson Crush lipliner, your Hello Kitty knee
socks, or your Apple Bottom jeans?

(you don't actually have to publish this.)"

tIoP: Oh, Monica, Monica, Monica. I remember my days as the synth player for Hawkwind, where all of these items were in full display. But I've decided to dress more conservatively these days, what with my invitation to rule Cuba, and my impending invitation to serve as Vice President to Barack Obama. (I still wear the kneesocks, however)

--

"Hello bad boy the idea of process, My question is 2 parts: Have you ever received a prostate massage? If so, would you like another one? If not, would you like one?

I guess that's 3 parts. I'm not good with numbers.

Love,
Tabbie. Like Cabbie, with a T.

Sent from my iPhone"

tIoP: You have an iPhone? I had no idea you were so rich and powerful and technologically savvy. I'll tell you what: You may administer the massage, but only if I may live blog it from your iPhone.

--

If you have a question for the Idea of Progress, please email it to me, and it may be answered in a timely fashion.

Fun Facts

2008-02-19T23:18:00.002-06:00

According to Technorati, The Idea of Progress is the 238,665 most popular blog out there.

If you Google "The Idea of Progress," this blog is currently the 11th hit.

Since its inception, the Idea of Progress has received 9,085 visitors. Five of them were searching for '"happy idea" chicken.'

Best of Craigslist

2008-02-19T23:12:00.003-06:00

Mark from the Spice Girls - w4m

Reply to: pers-578874215@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-18, 10:44PM CST

You walked with us from the train to the United Arena for the Spice Girls concert. You are from Kentucky originally, we parted ways at the shirt booth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 578874215

Original Post

A short, timely play in one act

2008-02-19T22:27:00.005-06:00

A darkened restaurant. The tables are lit by lights that hang directly overhead, casting their light downward, leaving vast pools of darkness between the islands of light.

At one such table are two men. One is older, grizzled, and wearing a military uniform. The other is far younger, much more handsome, who speaks and moves with great authority.

The younger man produces a cigar. The older man lights it for him deferentially.

YOUNGER MAN: Thank you, Raul. Now, what is it you've asked me here to discuss?

OLDER MAN (RAUL): I appreciate the great Idea of Progress gracing me with his presence. (the younger man, tIoP, waves off the compliment). I have a problem, Señor, and you are the only one I know who is brave enough to solve it for me.

TIOP: What is it Raul? I don't have all day. McGone is holed up in the International House of Blogcakes, and I've heard he's taken Grant Miller and Laaw-yur hostage. I need to pop over there and fix their problems, too, so I don't have all night.

RAUL: I'll get right to the point, then, Señor. My older brother--

TIOP: Uh, Fidel, right?

RAUL: -Yes, Fidel-- My older brother Fidel has decided to retire as Comandante en Jefe, and he wants me to take his place.

TIOP(puffs cigar) So what's the problem, then?

RAUL: I am afraid, Señor. I do not believe that I will be able to lead my people. They need a true hero, a great man, not a man who has only succeeded through nepotism. In short, I would like for you to rule Cuba.

TIOP (yawns) Raul, what makes you think I have time for such diversions? Have you considered that I might be busy getting drunk?

RAUL: But Señor, you must! My people will suffer under less of a man!

TIOP: (standing Listen, buddy. I've got plans, see? I don't have the time to run your little banana republic. I've got big things in the works. I still need to finish reading the new issue of the New Yorker. I want to go out for dinner with some friends. I've got naps to take. No thank you.

RAUL: (grabs the hem of tIoP's immaculately tailored Saville Row suit) Please don't make me do this on my own! What could I offer you to entice you?

TIOP: (thinks)I'd like my blog to be ranked first on Google when you search for it.

RAUL: But Señor, I cannot! El Google is impossible to convince!

TIOP: Um...how about one of those new Tesla Motorcars?

RAUL: All of our cars are from before the embargo. I cannot offer you anything manufactured after the early 1960s.

TIOP: Well...are the girls in Cuba pretty?

RAUL: The most beautiful in the world!

TIOP: (considers this, but shakes his head) Listen, I'm not your guy. I've just got too much on my plate at the moment. But I know just the fellow to take care of you guys. A strong leader, with a dynamic voice and a guest appearance in Back to the Future.

RAUL: (in awe) You don't mean--

TIOP: Yes, yes I do.

RAUL: (shakes tIoP's hand) Señor, the people of Cuba will never be able to thank you enough.

TIOP: It's cool, baby. ¡Viva Los News Revolución!

RAUL: ¡Viva Los News Revolución!

End Scene

Not Even Children Trust Dubya

2008-02-17T12:19:00.003-06:00

This was taken on MLK Day, no less.

From The Daily Dish.

More Dialogue

2008-02-14T09:43:00.003-06:00

Here is Matt from England's response to my response to his question about Obama/ Clinton:

Dear [The Idea of Progress],
Thank you for taking time out to put together your well-argued reply, which I found particularly touching in its compassionate views on foreign affairs. It’s coming up to the fifth anniversary of the million-strong London anti-war march that I attended in February 2003, and I’m sure many of the people I marched with would be impressed by your outlook on the conflict and America’s role on the world stage.

From my perspective, American politics in Primaries Season looks like a Lollapalooza for suits, where unpopular acts get kicked off the bill as the tour goes on. I’m fascinated by the often grandly surreal lurches American politics takes. I remember when Bush Jr was going for his second term and I saw footage from the New York Republican Convention in which delegates were lampooning Kerry’s alleged policy switches by waving around huge Styrofoam flip-flops, echoing the main buzz-phrase of the time. And I sat there thinking, Christ – there’s about 20,000 people in that enormodome waving around at least 40,000 giant flip-flops… that would *never* happen over here! It was like a Monty Python sketch re-imagined by Leni Riefenstahl.

Your explanation for your support of Obama is very persuasive – I can tell that you admire him a great deal. There probably aren’t all that many policy differences between he and Mrs C, but I think that as a political operator, he has far more going for him in terms of freshness and dynamism. He photographs well, has a lot of energy, and most importantly, he comes with no baggage. Mrs C may be able to trade off the past, but Obama can beat that by trading off the future. And to have a potential pattern of four-year administrations from 1989 reading 'Bush-Clinton-Clinton-Bush-Bush-Clinton’ would be ruinous to the whole ‘Hey, *anyone* can do this’ appeal of the Presidency.

While I’m puzzled by some of the excesses of US election campaigns (apart from taking Springsteen on the road with you – I mean, any rational person would want to do that…), something that really grabs me about them is the public’s willingness to be inspired; to find someone to believe in and back them to the hilt. We in the UK have such an in-built sense of irreverence that apathy is just a breath away. Blair’s victory in ’97 may have looked like a rock-star reception to overseas observers, but it was sealed by the lowest turn-out since the Second World War. Amid all the changes and the soporific media honeymoon, people were just waiting for him to mess up.
In the most ironic possible way, he didn’t disappoint.

I hope your guy keeps his momentum, and his cool, especially with such a long way to go. I also hope that his zeal for change proves to be more than just a buzz-word. Living under Blair for a decade, you get to be a little suspicious of that kind of talk.

All the best,

Matt

PS – feel free to add this to your blog if you think it would be helpful.

Dialogue

2008-02-14T08:43:00.006-06:00

Yesterday I posted the cartoon that caused an assassination plot in Denmark. The cartoon has created an uproar in the Muslim world. There have been people upset that it was printed, and people angered at how it portrayed Muslims. I received a comment on my post from a blogger named Sadiq, who writes "... I seriously think that they made a wrong point by portraying Prophet Muhammad instead of a terrorist. It's like portraying Jesus for Medieval atrocities committed by the Church in Europe. Does that sound a good point?"

I wanted to respond to Sadiq, and I did so on his thoughtful post about the controversy, but I wanted to reprint my comments in full here:

You make some excellent points here. You asked on my page if it would be appropriate if the cartoonists had portrayed Jesus "for Medieval atrocities committed by the Church in Europe."

In short, I believe it would.

We can hardly blame Jesus for the thousands of years of oppression, cruelty and violence that has been committed in his name. Likewise, it would be unfair and facile to blame the prophet Mohammad for similar reasons. He is not to blame. The vast, vast majority of Muslims are not to blame, just as most Christians and Jews are not to blame for the acts committed in the name of their religion.

But the cartoonists were not discussing how Mohammad and his followers are blood-thirsty anti-Christ figures. The point they were trying to make (I believe) is that people will take the words of these holy men and pervert them to their needs-- their need to dominate, their need to oppress, and the danger of such needs.

Likewise, it would be entirely appropriate to call out the Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland who have been bombing each other for years with images of Jesus. It's appropriate to call attention to the Catholic church's past and present sins. Because discussion is healthy. Dialogue is healthy.

When we stop talking about such things to each other is when we start shooting each other, because we no longer understand what other people are saying.

It's Not Over, McGone

2008-02-13T23:52:00.002-06:00

Beware the Ides of Hob!

Some People Don't Get the Idea

2008-02-13T22:58:00.005-06:00

Three men were arrested in a plot to kill the artist of a Danish cartoon that portrayed Mohammad. The point of the cartoon is that radical fundamentalism can be a dangerous thing. Clearly these men didn't appreciate the irony.

When the cartoon was first printed, it caused an international uproar. American newspapers, out of either fear or perceived respect for Muslims, wouldn't reprint the cartoon, but only describe it.

Well, here it is:

If the cartoon itself didn't make the point, the actions of these men did.

Why We Hug Trees

2008-02-13T22:53:00.003-06:00

Because if we aren't nice to them, they will eat us.

This photo, and more like it, can be found at elitefeet.com.

Mr. Obama Goes to Washington

2008-02-13T22:11:00.007-06:00

I've been interested to note your evident support for Obama, and I was hoping you'd do me the honor of explaining to me why you're backing him and what makes him preferable to Mrs C. I could read up on this in my usual press outlets, but would rather hear it from someone at grassroots level than a stuffy columnist, really.

Reply in as much detail as you feel necessary!

All the best,

Matt

I received this message today from a friend of mine who lives in England. It must be curious to observe from a distance this wacky race we call the presidential primaries. It may or may not come to a surprise to everyone out there that I am an Obama supporter. I've never explained my position on this however, nor have I expressed any sentiment towards Clinton. This presents me with an excellent opportunity to do so.

So why Barack Obama? Why not Clinton? It's certainly not their stances on political issues. We are fortunate in this race to have two candidates who champion many of the causes that we speak for in our daily lives. People need access to health care. We need to stop allowing companies the ability to pollute. We need to repeal the tax breaks that Bush put into place that only benefit his wealthy contributors. We need to stop this heartbreaking, costly and destructive war.

Most importantly, we need to change the perception of the world that America is a swaggering, self-centered, destructive lout that imposes its will where it pleases, and will destroy all in its path for profit. That's not America. That's a rather accurate description of this administration and this president.

If Obama and Clinton share similar ideas, why do I prefer Obama? There are a few reasons there. First, to paraphrase David Dinkins, I'm not against Clinton, I'm for Obama. If Clinton garners the Democratic nomination, I will happily vote for her. It's not that I don't feel that she is qualified, or that she would make a fine president.

I just think Barack Obama will be a better one.

Politics as usual. That's what bothers me about Clinton. Hillary, and even more importantly Bill Clinton are masters of politics. They are able to use the machine to achieve their mostly noble goals. Bill was an excellent president, one of the best of the 20th century, an achievement even more notable for the fact that he managed to accomplish so much while being dogged at every step by a hostile Republican party, lead by Newt Gingrich, one of the more reprehensible figures to grace our national stage in some time (a man that was demonizing Clinton for cheating on his wife while he himself had a mistress--the difference being Clinton didn't dump his wife while she recovered from cancer therapy in a hospital).

The Clintons, and make no mistake, they are as much of a team now as they were when Bill was President, know how to play that fiddle. And you know what? I'm sick of that particular tune.

Obama's campaign has been built on progress, on moving forward. Clinton's campaign has been built on "Look at all of the bad things I can say about my opponent." When Obama speaks, people listen. People believe, because he doesn't speak to tell people what they want to hear, he tells them what they need. They need hope. They need change. They need a leader that they don't need to apologize for, a leader whose faults they don't need to look past. A leader that inspires all, from young to old.

Obama's done it. His supporters are young and old, black and white, men and women. He makes people believe, and to look forward to the future for once. He doesn't traffic in fear. He traffics in change, and anyone who has ever heard him speak generally finds it hard to discount the power he has in his voice.

And on another note, the very presence of a man that was born of a white Protestant mother and a black Kenyan father, who was raised by his mother and Indonesian stepfather in Indonesia, a man who has admitted past drug use and doesn't lie about it, someone who attended a Muslim school as a child, will inevitably change the perception of America abroad. It's easy to consider the US a devilish nation controlled by rich WASPy white men, but what happens when that is subverted?

It's not a race thing. It's not a gender thing. It's just time for a change in the way things are. Obama can built friendships and coalitions, can facilitate new ideas and can lead this nation on the path of better living, both at home and abroad.

And that's why he had my vote in the primaries.

Best of Craigslist

2008-02-11T15:38:00.000-06:00

You banned me from your store but I can't ban you from my heart - w4m

Reply to: pers-566870644@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-08, 1:28AM CST

I was getting food from your dumpster and you made me put it all back and threatened to call the cops; never before have I seen a man look so sexy and powerful while advocating hate and wastefulness........

Location: Trader Joe's on Lincoln
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 566870644

Original Post

Have I Mentioned Huey Lewis Recently?

2008-02-08T13:44:00.001-06:00

As you are all doubtlessly aware, we are in the midst of a New Year. The Chinese may consider it the year of the Rat, but is actually the Year of Huey Lewis and the News.

In order to allow others to fully appreciate this extremely important event, I have created a website. Please visit Lewis/News08.com to laugh, to cry, to learn. And maybe even to contribute (I'm looking for contributors).

I've been aided in my mission, this Revolution, by Monica, but I need your help as well.

Join the Revolution! In 2008, Huey Lewis IS the News!

They've got a Pepper Bar!

2008-02-08T13:20:00.000-06:00

First, I'd like you to view what I feel is the greatest commercial ever filmed:

That has to be one of the strangest ads I've ever seen. Weird, ugly puppets, singing badly. With bad green screen effects. Who in their right mind would make this ad, and then try and sell sandwiches with it?

After seeing this commercial a few years ago, I talked about it constantly with people.

Sample conversation:

tIoP: Have you seen that Quizno's commercial? The one with the puppets?

Victim: Uh...I don't know. What happens?

tIoP: They sing off key about the subs! Like this! (proceeds to sing)

Victim: I don't think so.

tIoP: It's hilarious! (continues to sing) They've got a pepper bar!

Victim: Uh huh. I've got to be going now.

After three or four spots, they replaced these weird puppets with a not-nearly-as-funny talking perverted baby. I missed those weird puppets.

One day, when I was working at a fine dining restaurant in Chicago that shall not be named (okay, it was Bin 36), I got into conversation with a couple of guys sitting at the bar. Turns out that they were the chief advertising guys for Quizno's. Immediately I asked them about the puppets, and told them that they were my favorite commercials of all time.

"Oh, geez, those things."

Clearly there was a story here. Turns out that the 'Spongemonkeys' was some British internet video that made them laugh around the Quizno's office. They contacted the people who created the videos and asked them to make a commercial.

It didn't go over well.

First, the only things people remembered from the commercial was the puppets themselves. People also remembered the pepper bar. But not the sandwiches.

Second, people didn't think it was funny.

Third, the franchise owners HATED the commercials. One guy called them up and asked why they were advertising his sandwiches with dead rats.

The ads were pulled.

And television has never been the same again.

Postscript: Absolutely because of the commercials, I did try Quizno's for the first time. It was gross, and I've never gone back. Turns out the voice of the perverted baby was the guy who played Lust on "Herman's Head."

I have no idea where the Spongemonkeys went off to. But I miss them.

Dear Mitt,

2008-02-07T11:26:00.000-06:00

So you're dropping out of the race, too? It's amazing to me that people didn't want to vote for you. I mean, you're a clever guy. People want their president to be clever. You figured out you can avoid using the term "taxes" by just calling them "fees," and people will still have to pay the government money for services. That way you don't have to raise taxes. That's smart!

You've managed to avoid having to explain that you wear 'special undergarments.' You've managed to avoid the conversation about Jesus living in America, and the Native Americans really being one of the lost tribes of Israel. That takes some doing.

You've even managed to try and paint John McCain as a 'tax and spend' liberal. I've never heard a Republican call another that. I was waiting for you to refer to him as a 'flip flopper.'

Well, the race won't be as fun with you not in it. I won't have someone to loathe with every fiber of my being.

Good luck in your future endeavors!

Your Pal,

The Idea of Progress

Quote of the Day

2008-02-05T15:55:00.000-06:00

"It was close, but in the end I went for Obama."

Barack Obama, after casting his ballot for himself today

Remember: Super Tuesday Is Tomorrow!

2008-02-04T13:23:00.000-06:00

Don't forget to vote Huey Lewis.

I'm Just Going to Go Ahead and Assume This Is Being Driven By a Bond Villain

2008-02-02T20:40:00.001-06:00

Unless you have a better idea.

(The same machine...from space!)

Is that snowman doing to that dog what I think he is?

2008-01-30T15:10:00.000-06:00

And to think, this is from the New York Times, too.

All the Snowman/ Beastiality Porn That's Fit to Print, I guess.

Quote of the Day

2008-01-30T11:52:00.000-06:00

Ted Kennedy, on Attorney General Michael Mukasey's refusal to acknowledge that waterboarding is torture:

"[It's]like saying you're opposed to stealing but not quite sure that bank robbery qualifies."

(When asked if he would consider it torture if he himself were subjected to waterboarding, Mukasey replied "I would feel that it was.")

Dear John,

2008-01-30T08:46:00.001-06:00

Doesn't that seem backwards? Usually, a woman writes a Dear John letter to dump her boyfriend. Instead, you're leaving us behind. It's too bad, because you would probably make a pretty good president. You're a stand up guy, I agree with you on pretty much everything you believe in, and I think you've run a pretty good campaign.

But the problem this election cycle is that you're a middle-aged white guy. Your stance on most issues is pretty close to that of Obama and Clinton, but they are not middle-aged white guys (well, Barack is half-white, but you get the idea). You're stuck in the position of being a qualified candidate, but for the first time in American political history, being the middle-aged white guy actually hurt you. And that's bizzare.

I have to admit, I will be voting for Obama in the primaries, but if you ended up as the Democratic candidate, I still would have been okay with that.

Oh, well.

Best of luck to you in the future.

Your Pal,

The Idea of Progress

Bad, Idea of Progress, Bad!

2008-01-29T13:48:00.000-06:00

I make a point to attribute most things I post here. I don't like to take credit for anyone else's work because it is dishonest, and it gives license for others to steal my comic gold (or comedy spray painted a golden color, which I feel is mostly the same thing).

And so the Idea of Progress was mortified to realize he had posted the following photo and not attributed it to the owner:

The photograph originally came from John Baird's Flickr page. I don't remember if I took it from there, or if I found it on Google after someone else stole it (I assume the latter, but I can't remember for sure).

The Idea of Progress would like to extend an apology to Mr. Baird.

In light of this disclosure, tIoP would like to make the following admissions:

-I did not write the second uncredited draft of the Geneva Convention, the one where Harry Potter dies in the end.

-I did not create the beloved character of Jar-Jar Binks.

-I only won the Tour de France three times, not four. I was doping for one of those.

-I was not the governor of Nevada. I just told that to girls as a pickup line.

-While I am an ordained reverend (thank you, internet!), I am not the Pope.

-My tears are not diamonds, merely cubic zirconium

-I was not the fifth Beatle. I was the 17th (after Donovan but before Frampton)

-While I can fly higher than an eagle, I am not the wind beneath your wings.

I apologize for any inconvenience caused by previous statements.

Rudy Married His Cousin, in the New York Post!

2008-01-27T22:15:00.000-06:00

I had previously posted about a video I had shot for a website called Rudy Married His Cousin, which details facts about how Rudy Giuliani married his cousin, then had his buddy, a defrocked priest named Alan Placa (who was accused of molesting four boys) get him an annulment when he decided to marry his mistress.

Well, the site was mentioned today in an article in the New York Daily News. Unfortunately, they don't mention the video on the site, but hey, any publicity is good publicity, right?

I didn't mention last time, so I may as well do so here, that the video was written and performed by Schadenfreude, a Chicago sketch comedy group.

Dear George,

2008-01-23T10:01:00.000-06:00

Wow, you have less than a year left in office. That's not a lot, is it? I've never lived in one place for that long in my entire life-- it must be difficult making plans on where to move to next. Are you and Laura going to rent an apartment? Since your daughters are adults now, you really only need a three bedroom apartment, just in case they are both staying over at once. If you need help finding a place, give me a call. I've lived in six or seven apartments over the last decade, and I'm used to scouting the joints out. I can give you some tips (for instance, turn on the shower! See if the place gets good water pressure!).

You might want to start being more honest, now that you won't have executive privilege to cover your butt. It looks like you and your friends lied 935 times to the public in the lead-up to the war! I mean, that's less than a thousand, which is good, I guess, but if you are always lying to your new neighbors, they probably won't respect you enough to turn down the music when it's past midnight on a Tuesday, or loan you that cup of sugar you need.

Less than a year! What are your plans? I think you should get a job right away. If you take a few months of to "find yourself," you might miss some great opportunities. I mean, you could probably go work for Halliburton! You've helped them out tremendously in the past, and I bet Dick will put in a good word for you.

I'm always here to help. Let me know if you need help finding a new place!

Your Pal,

The Idea of Progress

Best of Craigslist

2008-01-22T19:38:00.000-06:00

I figured you weren't a bum, but I'll still take it if you are. - w4m - 22
Reply to: pers-547301228@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-21, 11:11PM CST

So i saw you on the train. It was around 8am, I was heading to work and I guess so were you, you fell asleep, and I woke you and the end of the line. Sounds a bit romantic right? It might have been your unconscious charm, or the drool. But I thought it was adorable. Either way, I'd hit it. I know it sounds weird but I would love to grab some dinner with you, and maybe if you're lucky I might invite you up for some desert. How's chocolate pudding sound?

-Location: On the Blue Line
-it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 547301228

Original Post

Heath Ledger Found Dead

2008-01-22T16:04:00.000-06:00

Actor Heath Ledger was found dead in his SoHo apartment today. The police found pills near the body, and don't believe foul play was involved.

What a bummer. He started off in crappy movies, but he took a lot of risks as an actor, and I was looking forward to seeing him in the new Batman movie this summer.

He was 28.

Dear Fred Thompson,

2008-01-22T14:24:00.000-06:00

Running for President was hard, wasn't it? I mean, all of that talking, and walking, and being nice to people and all of that. It's not the same as sitting on your front porch drinking lemonade, or fly fishing, or whatever real Americans do.

It's hard work!

I understand why you decided to drop out. You don't have your experience as a POW to draw from, or being the Mayor of 9/11, or the idea that Jesus came to America, and that the Native Americans are really Jewish. All that you had was the misguided belief that you were Reagan incarnate (maybe because you're an actor, too?).

But look at it this way. Now no one can say that you're running a worse campaign than that cousin-marrying Rudy Giuliani. And that's something.

Your Pal,

The Idea of Progress

Cloverfield

2008-01-19T01:26:00.000-06:00

Cloverfield.

First, I recommend seeing it. I'm not going to tell you anything about it.

A few warnings, though.

It's shot with a handheld video camera. If the Blair Witch Project made you feel dizzy or nauseous, this probably will too. I've been told if you take Dramamine, it will help. Because of this, don't sit too close to the screen. I generally sit closer than most people, but I knew this was all handheld, so we sat much further back. I'd sit as far back as you can. It will help. If you're very sensitive to this type of thing, it might be best to wait for video.

Reactions to it from audience members were very similar to back when I saw Blair Witch-- People either got it and loved it, or didn't and hated it.

I liked it a lot.

It's much funnier than you'd think.

It was worth my admission price, ($10.50), which is the highest praise I can give a movie in the theater. It wasn't a waste of the cash.

I don't want to talk too much more about it, because I don't want to spoil it.

Enjoy!

Happy Birthday, Zooey Deschanel!

2008-01-17T19:53:00.000-06:00

Happy 28th Birthday, Official Character Actor of the Idea of Progress! May you only become more beautiful and talented with each passing year!

I'm sure you'll make an excellent Janis Joplin!

Scientology in Tom Cruise's words

2008-01-15T17:19:00.000-06:00

Like we didn't know he was crazy before...This was apparently leaked from a private Scientology event. Kudos to the hero who smuggled it out.

EDIT: The Scientologists work fast. They've already got the first video pulled ("due to a copyright claim by the Church of Scientology" according to YouTube). I'm going to repost it with a working copy, but if it goes down, please visit Gawker, who is hosting their own copy which they have said they are refusing to take down. Take that, Tom Cruise!

EDIT 2: I've had to repost this three times now, since the videos keep getting pulled-- again, if it doesn't work, check out the Gawker link

EDIT 3: That's at least five times I've changed videos!

EDIT 4: From one of the posted videos:

Scientology mini dictionary:
*KSW (short for Keeping Scientology Working): A policy written by
Hubbard in the 1960's that requires all Scientologists to follow his
words and his rules exactly.
"Orgs: Orgs is an abbreviation for "organizations" and describes
all churches of Scientology throughout the world.
*David Miscavige: He is the current leader of Scientology.
He's the equivalent of the Pope to the Catholics.
*Out-ethics: any behavior that violates any of Hubbard's
rules of conduct.
*Put ethics in on someone else: make others conform
to Hubbard's rules of behavior.
*Criminon: Scientology front group that tries to recruit through the prisons.
* SP: Suppressive Person. Anyone that doesn't like Scientology and/or criticizes Scientology.
*PTS/SP: another bogus Hubbard term to define behavior that goes
against Scientology rules.
*LRH technology or "tech": all the Scientology policies, rules, mandates, procedures

Let's make a band!

2008-01-13T17:03:00.000-06:00

I saw this idea over at the Sprawling Ramshackle Compound, who picked it up from I, Splotchy, who in turn got it from The Urban Recluse (who as far as I can tell created this):

First, the rules:

Let's Make a Band:
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

You then take the pic and add your band name and the album title to it, then post your pic.

Here are my results:

1. Tilda's Yellow Shoulder, apparently some kind of bat.
2. "fact, they do so" ("Many people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so." -- Bertrand Russell)
3. The photo

I think that this band is a 70's soft rock revival band, a la Midlake or the Bees. That's my best guess.

I spent way too much time doing this.

eCousinality

2008-01-11T16:14:00.000-06:00

I shot and chopped this 'commercial' for a website called Giuliani Married His Cousin with my production company, Stranger In the Alps Films.

Enjoy!

Life Imitates Art: The Divorce Court Edition

2008-01-10T13:55:00.000-06:00

A Polish man visited his local brothel in search of a good time. Upon arriving, he was somewhat dismayed to find his wife of 14 years working there as an employee.

No, really.

They have begun divorce proceedings.

Life Imitates Art: The Evil Dead Edition

2008-01-09T17:41:00.000-06:00

So this man believes his hand had become marked with the Sign of the Beast (presumably a 666, but who knows?). Being a reasonable person, he put a tourniquet on his arm, cut off his hand with a circular saw, and microwaved it.

No, really.

Apparently calm when authorities arrived, the man is now in protective custody in a mental institution.

Incidentally, both of these stories came through the AP wire at the same time.

Life Imitates Art: The Weekend at Bernie's Edition

2008-01-09T17:35:00.000-06:00

Two men tried to cash a dead man's social security check. When the clerk asked to see the man himself, the two men wheeled him down to the check cashing store.

No, really.

A cop was having lunch at the restaurant next door, and noticed a crowd around the dead man's body, which was in a wheelchair. The cop called the precinct, and had them arrested.

EDIT: It wasn't a wheelchair...it was an office chair!

There was Citizen Kane. There was Apocolypse Now. And then...there was this:

2008-01-08T23:06:00.000-06:00

I might be the last person in the world to see this. If I'm not, and you haven't, you're in luck. Quite simply, this is a cinematic treasure. Every time you think it's over, or it is about to become repetitive, it takes an abrupt left turn, much like Fight Club, or perhaps Memento.

With cartoon tigers.

And pooping.

Please, please watch this through to the very last second. You can thank me later for bringing such joy into your life.

Last One

2008-01-08T16:00:00.000-06:00

Couldn't resist:

Also from the Museum of Bad Album Covers.

...and double Wow.

2008-01-08T15:42:00.000-06:00

More at the Museum of Bad Album Covers.

Wow.

2008-01-08T14:28:00.000-06:00

More of the same at Top Socialite.

Funnier than I am

2008-01-06T21:24:00.001-06:00

I would like to direct your attention to an article on Cracked.com, The 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around the World. It is quite simply one of the funniest things I've ever read on the internets. I'm going to spoil one of them for you, but I highly recommend that you read the rest yourself (this is far from the best).

"On the left is a mysterious toy. On the right, a graphical representation of a virus. And, on the bottom is a picture of what can only be a child catching herpes."

This Week in Stupid

2008-01-06T17:39:00.000-06:00

You might want to click on the photo to enlarge it, as to truly understand just how stupid this is.

Found here.

Sweet Child O' Mine, via India

2008-01-06T17:36:00.000-06:00

Best of Craigslist

2008-01-06T15:08:00.001-06:00

to the man who stole beer from the store in freezing weather... - w4m - 18

Reply to: pers-527048530@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-03, 10:51AM CST

i never saw someone run so fast while holding a 24-pack of miller lite as two overweight cops were chasing you down the street.

i was waiting for you to drop the beer in order to run faster, but you never did.

did the cops ever catch you?

if you see this, write to me, and tell me which store you knocked off...

i've never seen someone so passionate, goal-oriented, and determined to succeed.

you could've been an all-star football player...

original post

Awards Roundup

2008-01-06T14:04:00.000-06:00

It has been a heady year over here at the Idea of Progress. There were ups and down, thrills, chills, and good old fashioned American Sex and Violence.

The Idea of Progress has both received and been denied various awards. Some were awards of international recognition, some were known only to a few. I feel that now would be the time to review some of these triumphs and thefts.

Awards Stolen From the Idea of Progress

The Nobel Peace Prize

This went to Al Gore and some scientists or something. The work of the Idea of Progress in the field of world domination apparently was of no interest to them. A travesty, to say the least.

The Drysdale Awards

The Idea of Progress was nominated for a 2007 Drysdale Award for Least Influential Political Blog. It seems that there are blogs out there that have less influence than yours truly, making the Idea of Progress an INFLUENTIAL political blog.

Hmmm...I'm going to chalk this one up as a win, then.

Awards Retroactively Granted to the Idea of Progress By Himself

People Magazine's 'Sexiest Man Alive'

Due to a clerical error, it was accidently awarded to Matt Damon. The error was soon corrected, and Mr. Damon apologized.

Awards Garnered by the Idea of Progress

Emu-zing Blogger Award

Given by Bridget Jones Has Nothing On Me. I believe the Emu is most likely the most handsome and courageous of the large, flightless birds of Eastern Australia, and therefore must be the basis of the award.

The award was also given to me by Pistols at Dawn over at Save Your Generation. I take it he also wanted to bestow some of the respect given to the Idea of Progress onto the noble Emu.

100% Guv'ner Approved

Given in recognition for the internationally recognized Idea of Progress Day, celebrated annually on November 26th (which leaves you about ten and a half months to prepare for next year).

The illustration of the Idea of Progress is nearly spot on, and is shown clad in a t-shirt that reads 'Dude,' which for some reason seems oddly appropriate.

Thinking Blogger Award

Also awarded by Bridget Jones Has Nothing On Me, but it was awarded mostly to lure the Idea of Progress into her boudoir, or so I imagine.

Larushka's Uterus

Granted in honor of the Idea of Progress Day, it goes places Pistols at Dawn would never dare.

The Idea of Progress is Here

2008-01-04T13:56:00.000-06:00

The Idea of Progress is:

-Silent as a ninja

-Deadly as a zombie

-Fast as a rocket ship

-Crafty as a beaver

-Tough as a unicorn

-Brilliant like a tree

-Magic like concrete

-Consistent like the wind

And will begin posting again shortly--As soon as the masses begin to clamor.

So soon, then.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T05:21:00.001-06:00

Or...er...Happy Holidays! Whatever!

I'm off to Portland! Thanks for all of the suggestions!

"Happy Idea" Chicken

2007-12-24T15:00:00.001-06:00

Most days I check to see what search terms have brought readers to the Idea of Progress. Usually they are something like "teleubbies" or "What do tannins taste like in wine?" (which are my top 2 terms). But today I found something kinda inexplicable.

"Happy Idea" chicken.

What the hell does that mean? What could this person want? I can't figure it out. Whatever it was, the Idea of Progress did provide 5 minutes and 25 seconds of reading enjoyment for this person.

Curious, I googled it myself. The Idea of Progress shows up not once on the first page...but twice. Weird.

Um...wow.

2007-12-24T14:44:00.000-06:00

Reposted from Hometown Pride.

Blogs of Note

2007-12-23T13:55:00.000-06:00

Check out Stories We Tell ourselves About Ourselves. Lotsa good stuff there.

Forewarning

2007-12-23T13:31:00.000-06:00

The Idea of Progress will be in Portland, Oregon for the week following Christmas. Posts may be either non-existent or irregular (not in the bowel sense). I've never been to Portland before. Here's what I expect:

-Hippies

-Beer

-Pinot Noir

-Hippies

-Environmentalists

-Hipsters

-Lots of bikes

-Salmon

-Hippies

-Intoxication

Any suggestions from anyone as to where I should visit?

A Somewhat Accurate Guide to Choosing a Bottle of Wine While Knowing Nothing About It

2007-12-23T12:43:00.001-06:00

The top search term for the Idea of Progress has been "What do tannis taste like in wine?" for some time now. In light of that, I have come to the realization that people occasionally need help with wine, and don't want to turn to someone or something with a snotty attitude. But the Idea of Progress is here to help. Since many of us will be going to Christmas dinner in the next couple of days, and many of us will need to bring wine to the dinners, how can we choose which one will be good?

May I present the next chapter of the Wine School of the Idea of Progress:

A Somewhat Accurate Guide to Choosing a Bottle of Wine While Knowing Nothing About It

No matter how much you may know about wine, at some point you will be confronted with a selection that you know nothing about. There may be regions you are unfamiliar with, grapes you never heard of, and vintages you are unsure of. How do you know what will be worth buying if you've got no idea of what you are doing?

I've got a few useful tips that I've picked up over the years. They're not 100% accurate, but they've served me pretty well. When I need to buy a bottle, and have no idea what anything is, here are some of the things I take into consideration.

The Label

No, you shouldn't necessarily choose a wine by how pretty the label is. But there's one odd thing I've noticed about good wines and their labels. Is the label a matte finish or a glossy one? For some reason, the chances of getting a good wine are higher when the label is matte rather than glossy. I can only speculate as to why (and this leads to a second tip)--The more the winery is trying to draw your attention to their label, via shiny labels, pretty pictures, etc., the less likely the wine speaks for itself.

The Bottle

Pick up the bottle. Is it heavy or light? Does the glass feel thick or thin? Feel the bottom of the bottle. Does it have an indentation (called the punt)? How deep is the indentation?

Another thing I've noticed is that the more money a winery spent on their bottles, the better the chance that the wine inside is worth protecting. If the bottle is heavy, that's a good sign. If it has a deep punt (all jokes aside), that's a good sign, too. If the bottom of the bottle is flat, that's a very, very bad sign, and I'd generally stay away. The exception to this rule are German and Alsatian white wines (or wines in this style). Their bottles are tall and slender and either green or brown in color. They always have a flat base, no matter how good they are.

The Importer

Some people have a really great job, which is to be a wine importer. Basically, what they get to do is go around and taste wine all over Europe and import the ones that they like. The most well known of these have their names right on the bottle. If you see something on a bottle of wine like "A Kermit Lynch Selection" or "Selected by Eric Solomon," that's a good sign, because they were willing to put their name on the label, signaling that they approve. If someone's name on the bottle, that's always a positive (this typically appears on the back label).

The Region

A good rule of thumb to have is "The larger the region, the weaker the wine." If the wine only identifies itself as "California Wine" or "French Wine," the chances for it to be good are significantly less that one labeled "Sonoma Coast" or "Bordeaux." The reason for this is that if it just says 'California" that means they can source grapes from all over California, from the good, expensive regions (like Napa) as well as the cheap, high producing but inferior regions (the Central Coast). If it says "Napa Valley, that means ALL of the grapes have to come from there, giving you a more focused and probably superior product. This rule holds fast for the entire world of wine.

The Store

Never buy wine in a supermarket. With the rare, rare exception, they all suck. Stores like Whole Foods or Trader Joe's are a little bit different--they specialize in wine, and will have someone there who can help you out. But don't buy wine in a supermarket, unless you are buying champagne (since they often will carry Veuve Cliquot or Moet & Chandon). Go to a wine shop, or to a Whole Foods or Trader Joes. Or even Costco, who generally have a few good items there. Places like these will provide someone who works there, who generally knows their wine, or at least knows something about their stock. Ask these people. If they're not any help, follow the above rules.

Following these rules will not guarantee you a superior bottle of wine, but they will give you a fighting chance. If you have any questions, feel free to email me or leave a comment below.

Good luck!

Number 3 with a bullet!

2007-12-23T11:35:00.000-06:00

Upgrade!

2007-12-23T11:13:00.000-06:00

Being technologically savvy, I have just now figured out how to transfer photos from my cell phone to my computer. This will provide a cornucopia of opportunity for allowing others to view the world as through the eyes of the Idea of Progress. We will begin with one that I've been saving up for such an opportunity:

Please file this under perhaps they should have read this out loud before they chose the name.

Tres Cool!

2007-12-22T15:19:00.000-06:00

Ho Ho hack hack hack!

2007-12-20T22:24:00.001-06:00

Do you think that Santa would bum smokes off of the naughty kids?

From snarfd.com.

Quote of the Day (2002 Edition)

2007-12-19T11:29:00.000-06:00

"Tom Cruise is becoming the Scary Flaming Eye from "The Lord of the Rings," and I fear that nobody can stop him."

Cintra Wilson in Salon from 2002.

Press Conference with Sen. Patrick Leahy (D- VT)

2007-12-19T08:25:00.000-06:00

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you who made it to this press conference today, despite the weather.

The Idea of Progress has left the city. Now, now, I don't want anyone to panic, he hasn't gone far. However, he discovered yesterday that he lost out to Bells On for the prestigious 2007 Drysdale awards. It seems some people felt the the Idea of Progress was not the Least Influential Political Blog out there.

No, he didn't take it well. He also received a letter rejecting a short story of his for publication in the local alternative weekly.

He did feel the story was inferior, that is to be certain, but the sting of such rejection felt twice in one day was enough to send him away to, as he said, "find himself."

He will return soon, he said--after a period of rest and reflection.

Now, I will take any questions from the press.

Comparisons

2007-12-17T09:11:00.000-06:00

Ron Paul's supporters raised $6m yesterday in a 'money bomb,' which essentially means everyone donates money on the same day (yesterday was the 234th anniversary of the Boston Tea Party).

In related news, a roommate of the Idea of Progress paid him the $35 she owed him for last month's cable bill.

How to Pose

2007-12-13T14:26:00.000-06:00

You Heard It Here First

2007-12-12T20:01:00.000-06:00

As 2007 is waning, we are left wondering: What will the trend of 2008 be? Who will be the new Don't Tase Me, Bro? What will be the next musical trend? Who will be our new hero for the year?

You have come to the Idea of Progress for such answers, and the Idea of Progress will deliver.

2008 will be the year of Huey Lewis and the News.

Workin For a Livin.

I Think I Need a New Drug.

The Power of Love.

And the Official Theme Song of 2008:

It's Hip to Be Square.

If you don't believe me, I'm sure you can take the word of Patrick Bateman from American Pyscho on why even he, a serial killer, is a Huey Lewis fan:

For more information on how to make 2008 your Year of Huey Lewis and the News, please visit lewisnews08.com or for those of you on Facebook, please visit Huey Lewis is a Golden God.

And if you need any further reasons, please check out what Johnny Yen discovered about Huey Lewis's news.

Enjoy a little Power of Love to brighten your day (the extended Back to the Future video starring Doc Brown!).

Proof the Geeks Have Won

2007-12-12T14:00:00.000-06:00

"w00t" has been awarded Word of the Year by Miriam-Webster dictionaries.

I hope next year the winner is "teh."

Quote of the Day

2007-12-09T14:20:00.000-06:00

“J.F.K.’s speech was to reassure Americans that he wasn’t a religious fanatic...Mitt’s was to tell evangelical Christians, ‘I’m a religious fanatic just like you.

- Jon Krakauer, quoted in the New York Times.

If you haven't already had the opportunity, I'd recommend Krakauer's excellent and frightening book Under the Banner of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith, which tells the story of the Mormon church, which is more interesting and disturbing than you might think.

Gettin' around

2007-12-07T13:31:00.000-06:00

Ron Paul supporters have purchased a blimp for his campaign. The Idea of Progress took a look at what modes of transportation that the other Republican candidates are using:

Mitt Romney - Horse and buggy

Fred Thompson - Rascal scooter

Rudy Giuliani - Firetruck used in 9/11, because he was there, you know, on 9/11

Best of Craigslist

2007-12-06T19:23:00.000-06:00

Latin King at East Bank Club - w4m - 25
Reply to: pers-499860386@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-05, 3:46PM CST

Considering EBC is such a high-end health club, I was stunned to see a Latin King gang member there. Furthermore, I was even more stunned to find me attracted to such a thug. How did I know you were a Latin King? Well, maybe the Latin King tattoo in old english gave it away! What were you doing at EBC? Have you been to prison? And most importantly, are you single??

original post

A few words for Mitt Romney

2007-12-06T14:25:00.000-06:00

"Freedom requires religion, just as religion requires freedom. Freedom opens the windows of the soul so that man can discover his most profound beliefs and commune with God. Freedom and religion endure together, or perish alone."

--Mitt Romney, speaking today, Thursday December 6th.

Mitt Romney, shut the fuck up.

Seriously.

Combining ideas like 'freedom' and 'religion,' and making them sound inseparable, is as asinine as telling someone they're either with you or against you. The concepts, while often intertwined, are not the same damn thing. And more often then not, religion is used to extinguish freedom, often under the maxim, "If you're not with us, you're against us."

Shut up, Mitt Romney, and go back to that hole you crawled out of.

Wow, am I angry.

Gift Ideas for the Idea of Progress

2007-12-05T13:32:00.000-06:00

Looking for a holiday gift idea for tIoP? Wonder Sauna Hot Pants!

Several things to note:

-The word 'long' is inside the word HOT

-Both models look like they are being forced to wear those things at gunpoint (especially the guy--look at his expression)

-A commenter on Boing Boing (where this was found) mentioned that they look like "Still-suit shorts for summers on Arakkis," which if you get means that a) you probably found it as funny as I did and b) are giant nerd.

(the Hot Pants were discovered by Monica), who graciously allowed me to post about them.)

I don't get Google

2007-12-05T12:19:00.000-06:00

I spend a good ten minutes crafting the finest picture of a whale clad in trousers that the world has ever witnessed. I label the file "Mr. Splashy Pants." I label the post "Mr. Splashy Pants." I use the name 'Mr. Splashy Pants' about a dozen times in the post.

Go to Google images, there are no pants-wearing whales to be found. My whale is not present. Google "Mr Splashy Pants" and my blog does come up--on page 13.

But not that image! Instead, it's the cover of an album I posted six months ago! No splashing or pants or whales to be found! What the F (as the kids say)!

Least Influential Political Blog???

2007-12-05T00:20:00.001-06:00

I'll show Grant Miller who's least influential...Mark my words...

Monday News Feed

2007-12-03T13:32:00.000-06:00

-Larry Craig, the gift that keeps on giving, has been accused by eight other men of engaging in dirty deeds with them (sex!). Before I even got to make the joke, it turns out that one of these men was Mike Jones, the same male escort that the Rev. Ted Haggard was busted for, and yes, they did have sex in a men's room. This is what I call reality stealing my material.

-Gillian Gibbons was pardoned by the president of the Sudan for naming a teddy bear Mohammad. She will be heading home today, according to the press, missing out on all of the fun fatwas and riots. Interesting side note- according to her MySpace page she is a Leonard Cohen fan, so she's cool in my book.

-Sound familiar? A new report released today shows that Iran halted their attempts at making nuclear weapons back in 2003. Hmmm....accusing a country of seeking weapons of mass destruction, and then it turns out we were misled by the administration. So...in what way is this not like Sadaam and the WMDs?

Perhaps they should have read this title out loud

2007-11-30T19:05:00.001-06:00

From pbjellayfish.

Isn't Young Love a Beautiful Thing?

2007-11-30T16:02:00.001-06:00