Dear Mitt,

So you're dropping out of the race, too? It's amazing to me that people didn't want to vote for you. I mean, you're a clever guy. People want their president to be clever. You figured out you can avoid using the term "taxes" by just calling them "fees," and people will still have to pay the government money for services. That way you don't have to raise taxes. That's smart!

You've managed to avoid having to explain that you wear 'special undergarments.' You've managed to avoid the conversation about Jesus living in America, and the Native Americans really being one of the lost tribes of Israel. That takes some doing.

You've even managed to try and paint John McCain as a 'tax and spend' liberal. I've never heard a Republican call another that. I was waiting for you to refer to him as a 'flip flopper.'

Well, the race won't be as fun with you not in it. I won't have someone to loathe with every fiber of my being.

Good luck in your future endeavors!

Your Pal,

The Idea of Progress

Quote of the Day

"It was close, but in the end I went for Obama."

Barack Obama, after casting his ballot for himself today

Remember: Super Tuesday Is Tomorrow!

Don't forget to vote Huey Lewis.

I'm Just Going to Go Ahead and Assume This Is Being Driven By a Bond Villain

Unless you have a better idea.

(The same machine...from space!)

Is that snowman doing to that dog what I think he is?

And to think, this is from the New York Times, too.

All the Snowman/ Beastiality Porn That's Fit to Print, I guess.

Quote of the Day

Ted Kennedy, on Attorney General Michael Mukasey's refusal to acknowledge that waterboarding is torture:

"[It's]like saying you're opposed to stealing but not quite sure that bank robbery qualifies."

(When asked if he would consider it torture if he himself were subjected to waterboarding, Mukasey replied "I would feel that it was.")

Dear John,

Doesn't that seem backwards? Usually, a woman writes a Dear John letter to dump her boyfriend. Instead, you're leaving us behind. It's too bad, because you would probably make a pretty good president. You're a stand up guy, I agree with you on pretty much everything you believe in, and I think you've run a pretty good campaign.

But the problem this election cycle is that you're a middle-aged white guy. Your stance on most issues is pretty close to that of Obama and Clinton, but they are not middle-aged white guys (well, Barack is half-white, but you get the idea). You're stuck in the position of being a qualified candidate, but for the first time in American political history, being the middle-aged white guy actually hurt you. And that's bizzare.

I have to admit, I will be voting for Obama in the primaries, but if you ended up as the Democratic candidate, I still would have been okay with that.

Oh, well.

Best of luck to you in the future.

Your Pal,

The Idea of Progress

Bad, Idea of Progress, Bad!

I make a point to attribute most things I post here. I don't like to take credit for anyone else's work because it is dishonest, and it gives license for others to steal my comic gold (or comedy spray painted a golden color, which I feel is mostly the same thing).

And so the Idea of Progress was mortified to realize he had posted the following photo and not attributed it to the owner:



The photograph originally came from John Baird's Flickr page. I don't remember if I took it from there, or if I found it on Google after someone else stole it (I assume the latter, but I can't remember for sure).

The Idea of Progress would like to extend an apology to Mr. Baird.


In light of this disclosure, tIoP would like to make the following admissions:

-I did not write the second uncredited draft of the Geneva Convention, the one where Harry Potter dies in the end.

-I did not create the beloved character of Jar-Jar Binks.

-I only won the Tour de France three times, not four. I was doping for one of those.

-I was not the governor of Nevada. I just told that to girls as a pickup line.

-While I am an ordained reverend (thank you, internet!), I am not the Pope.

-My tears are not diamonds, merely cubic zirconium

-I was not the fifth Beatle. I was the 17th (after Donovan but before Frampton)

-While I can fly higher than an eagle, I am not the wind beneath your wings.

I apologize for any inconvenience caused by previous statements.

Rudy Married His Cousin, in the New York Post!

I had previously posted about a video I had shot for a website called Rudy Married His Cousin, which details facts about how Rudy Giuliani married his cousin, then had his buddy, a defrocked priest named Alan Placa (who was accused of molesting four boys) get him an annulment when he decided to marry his mistress.

Well, the site was mentioned today in an article in the New York Daily News. Unfortunately, they don't mention the video on the site, but hey, any publicity is good publicity, right?

I didn't mention last time, so I may as well do so here, that the video was written and performed by Schadenfreude, a Chicago sketch comedy group.

Dear George,

Wow, you have less than a year left in office. That's not a lot, is it? I've never lived in one place for that long in my entire life-- it must be difficult making plans on where to move to next. Are you and Laura going to rent an apartment? Since your daughters are adults now, you really only need a three bedroom apartment, just in case they are both staying over at once. If you need help finding a place, give me a call. I've lived in six or seven apartments over the last decade, and I'm used to scouting the joints out. I can give you some tips (for instance, turn on the shower! See if the place gets good water pressure!).

You might want to start being more honest, now that you won't have executive privilege to cover your butt. It looks like you and your friends lied 935 times to the public in the lead-up to the war! I mean, that's less than a thousand, which is good, I guess, but if you are always lying to your new neighbors, they probably won't respect you enough to turn down the music when it's past midnight on a Tuesday, or loan you that cup of sugar you need.

Less than a year! What are your plans? I think you should get a job right away. If you take a few months of to "find yourself," you might miss some great opportunities. I mean, you could probably go work for Halliburton! You've helped them out tremendously in the past, and I bet Dick will put in a good word for you.

I'm always here to help. Let me know if you need help finding a new place!

Your Pal,

The Idea of Progress

Best of Craigslist

I figured you weren't a bum, but I'll still take it if you are. - w4m - 22
Reply to: pers-547301228@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-21, 11:11PM CST




So i saw you on the train. It was around 8am, I was heading to work and I guess so were you, you fell asleep, and I woke you and the end of the line. Sounds a bit romantic right? It might have been your unconscious charm, or the drool. But I thought it was adorable. Either way, I'd hit it. I know it sounds weird but I would love to grab some dinner with you, and maybe if you're lucky I might invite you up for some desert. How's chocolate pudding sound?



-Location: On the Blue Line
-it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 547301228

Original Post

Heath Ledger Found Dead

Actor Heath Ledger was found dead in his SoHo apartment today. The police found pills near the body, and don't believe foul play was involved.

What a bummer. He started off in crappy movies, but he took a lot of risks as an actor, and I was looking forward to seeing him in the new Batman movie this summer.

He was 28.