If I was making a major Hollywood movie....

-It would star the Official Character Actor of the Idea of Progress, Zooey Deschanel.

-It would involve robots, or zombies, or perhaps zombie robots.



-I would cast Dane Cook, only to have him butchered onscreen by a zombie robot.

-I would play the zombie robot.

-It would be rated G.

-It would make children cry.

-It would make you cry.

-I would make sure to fill it with as many expensive products as I could, in hopes of getting freebies. Such products would include Bentley automobiles, Rolex watches, and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

-It would be six hours long. There would be no intermission.

-The trailer would feature a voiceover from the "In a world where..." guy. The voiceover for the trailer would begin, "In a world where..."

-Bono would make a cameo appearance.

-He would be killed by a zombie robot.

-It would be the same zombie robot that killed Dane Cook.

-I would still be playing that zombie robot.

-The zombie robots would also be ninjas.

-The movie will be called Mr. Splashy Pants.

-It will gross $10 trillion on its opening weekend.

-It will open next summer.