Uwe Boll vs. Steven Spielberg

I would call this David vs. Goliath, but really, it's more like one of the tripods from War of the Worlds vs...uh... Uwe Boll. In case you don't know who this Boll fellow is, he is a German director of what I might hesitantly call 'movies.' Most of his films are adaptations of video games. One was described on MSNBC as

"It’s asking for a lot to top a film where Sir Ben Kingsley (Academy Award for best actor in “Gandhi,” 1982) is the bad guy who wants to remove the Eyeball of Power that Kristanna Loken, a lady-vampire with no need for human blood, has somehow managed to absorb directly into her lady-vampire skull. And that’s just one part of the milkshake of insanity that is this movie’s plot. "

It's actually been rumored that Herr Boll's entire career has been nothing but a tax scam, some complicated scheme where he purposely makes terrible films and then somehow profits off of their loss, ie the Producers. He has actually challenged critics of his movie to a boxing match (and won!)

When Googling him before I wrote this, I actually found not only one site dedicated to the awfulness of the oeuvre of Uwe Boll, but a litney of them, including an online petition to prevent him from ever making movies again.

Anyway.

There's a little movie coming out on May 22, an installment in a film series about an archeologist named Henry Jones, Jr. ("Indiana was the dog's name!"). Uwe Boll ain't afraid of little Stevie Spielberg. To wit: a press release from Mr. Boll:

On the Indiana Jones weekend - May 23 - we will go out and destroy Indiana Jones in the Box Office! We all know that Harrison Ford is older as my grandpa and his time is up - would Michael Moore say! ... Spielberg gets sloppy. We saw that with War of the Worlds (why the fuck the older brother survived?) and also in parts of Jaws, E.T., Munich etc.! My performance in Postal as 'Nazi Theme Park Owner' outperforms easily Ben Kingsley in Schindler's List!

As a fan of the underdog, I would typically cheer on such a moronic idea. Except for the fact that I agree that Uwe Boll is about the worst director in the 111 years of cinema (maybe a close second to Michael Bay), and that I have been waiting for the new Indiana Jones movie for oh, 18 years.

Incidently, the petition has 18,068 signatures. 18,069, now that I have signed it.

Political News Bites

"Left Behind will save us!

-So the Pentagon is now supporting video games. No, not Grand Theft Auto. Not Manhunt 2. Not even Super Mario Brothers. No, our military is supporting "faith-based" entertainment. Faith-based, despite the George Michael reference, is wholly religious, and the game they are supporting is Left Behind: Eternal Forces, a military strategy game that takes place after the Rapture.

Having our military, which is fighting what some might refer to as a 'holy war,' sponsoring an evangelical Christian agenda...is that a good idea?


Tony Snow Will Crush You

-Tony Snow is resigning. Hurray! Now we get to hate someone else as much as we hate him! I have to say, he's the first Bush White House spokesman I've ever seen that was as cocky as who he was speaking for. Remember how flustered Scott McClennan always seemed to be, or how hounded Ari Fleisher always was? Snow was like a sleazy used car salesman, which I liked, because it was soooooo easy to want him dead.

A bit of his conversation with Hugh Hewitt:

HEWITT: Are there any other resignations upcoming, Tony Snow?

SNOW: I think that probably…as Josh said the other day, he thinks there are probably a couple coming up in the next month or so. […]

HEWITT: Your intention to go the distance, Tony Snow?

SNOW: No, I’m not going to be…I’ve already made it clear I’m not going to be able to go the distance, but that’s primarily for financial reasons. I’ve told people when my money runs out, then I’ve got to go.

I like this conversation for two reasons. ONE: The implication that poor, poor Tony Snow is running out of money. Good thing he's using his health savings account to pay for his fight against cancer (no, I'm not mocking him for having cancer, just his and his administration's opposition to public health care). He must have been making minimum wage over at Fox Noise, and not much more at the White House. TWO: At least as a Republican, he's sticking to his guns, and going where the money is.


You know they really just wanted to make out.

-I thought Karl Rove was taking time off to spend with his family? I guess he'd rather spend his time ripping on Hillary Clinton. He made these comments as a guest on the Rush Limbaugh show (I didn't even know people still listened to him. I though Bill O'Reilly had stepped into his stinky shoes)...

On what Rove characterizes as Clinton's 'lack of support' for our troops.

“I’m a little bit surprised that somebody with a record so weak on these things would somehow deign to lecture this president, who is very popular among the military and military families because they see him as a strong commander-in-chief who supports them, loves them, and gives them everything they need and want,” Mr. Rove said." (I find something very 1984-Big-Brother about that statement)

-Mr. Rove said that Mrs. Clinton’s criticism of the president showed “a lack of vision” on her part.

I think he just has a crush on her.

Reasons for Fall of Communism #162: Their video games sucked.

From Wired.

The Lost Arcade Games of the Soviet Union
Alexander Zaitchik
See related story: Soviet-Era Arcade Games Crawl Out of Their Cold War Graves
06.07.07 | 2:00 AM
Stick It to Me
In Gorodki, the stick is aimed by moving the joystick left and right. The "throw" button, or brosok, is on top in red. The goal is to collect as many sticks in the basket as possible.

Photo: Alexander Zaitchik

That looks like the saddest, most boring video game ever. They Soviets should have known that if there is no opiate for the masses, they'll start agitating.