05 March 2008

Uwe Boll vs. Steven Spielberg

I would call this David vs. Goliath, but really, it's more like one of the tripods from War of the Worlds vs...uh... Uwe Boll. In case you don't know who this Boll fellow is, he is a German director of what I might hesitantly call 'movies.' Most of his films are adaptations of video games. One was described on MSNBC as

"It’s asking for a lot to top a film where Sir Ben Kingsley (Academy Award for best actor in “Gandhi,” 1982) is the bad guy who wants to remove the Eyeball of Power that Kristanna Loken, a lady-vampire with no need for human blood, has somehow managed to absorb directly into her lady-vampire skull. And that’s just one part of the milkshake of insanity that is this movie’s plot. "

It's actually been rumored that Herr Boll's entire career has been nothing but a tax scam, some complicated scheme where he purposely makes terrible films and then somehow profits off of their loss, ie the Producers. He has actually challenged critics of his movie to a boxing match (and won!)

When Googling him before I wrote this, I actually found not only one site dedicated to the awfulness of the oeuvre of Uwe Boll, but a litney of them, including an online petition to prevent him from ever making movies again.


There's a little movie coming out on May 22, an installment in a film series about an archeologist named Henry Jones, Jr. ("Indiana was the dog's name!"). Uwe Boll ain't afraid of little Stevie Spielberg. To wit: a press release from Mr. Boll:

On the Indiana Jones weekend - May 23 - we will go out and destroy Indiana Jones in the Box Office! We all know that Harrison Ford is older as my grandpa and his time is up - would Michael Moore say! ... Spielberg gets sloppy. We saw that with War of the Worlds (why the fuck the older brother survived?) and also in parts of Jaws, E.T., Munich etc.! My performance in Postal as 'Nazi Theme Park Owner' outperforms easily Ben Kingsley in Schindler's List!

As a fan of the underdog, I would typically cheer on such a moronic idea. Except for the fact that I agree that Uwe Boll is about the worst director in the 111 years of cinema (maybe a close second to Michael Bay), and that I have been waiting for the new Indiana Jones movie for oh, 18 years.

Incidently, the petition has 18,068 signatures. 18,069, now that I have signed it.


McGone said...

Holy crap... it's finally going to be Spielberg against an evil German. My God... his entire career has been leading up to this moment!

Boll is definitely sub-Bay, and that's pretty bad. But where would you rank Boll on a scale of "One to Brett Ratner?"

The Guv'ner said...

Michael Bay might not have much story telling talent but he can make shit explode like a champ! :) Plus he redeemed himself slightly with that stupid ad he's in at the moment when he keeps saying everything is AWESOME and then blowing it up.

He still looks like he loves himself and mirrors a little too much though...

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I'll go on record as saying Michael Bay is the worst director in history.

There's a pretty good (and funny) article on Uwe Boll in this month's GQ if you're interested.

pistols at dawn said...

Maybe you guys are missing the subtleties of The Rock.

I used to have a friend who attended Wesleyan in scenic Middletown, and he noted that despite the school's sterling academic reputation, their connections to movies were: the location for PCU and Michael Bay's alma mater.

He was verrrrrrrry ashamed.

katrocket said...

Hey, someone has to keep Michael Paré working.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I have no idea who Uwe Boll is, but I enjoyed the Transformers movie!

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