30 January 2008

Is that snowman doing to that dog what I think he is?

And to think, this is from the New York Times, too.

All the Snowman/ Beastiality Porn That's Fit to Print, I guess.

Quote of the Day

Ted Kennedy, on Attorney General Michael Mukasey's refusal to acknowledge that waterboarding is torture:

"[It's]like saying you're opposed to stealing but not quite sure that bank robbery qualifies."

(When asked if he would consider it torture if he himself were subjected to waterboarding, Mukasey replied "I would feel that it was.")

Dear John,

Doesn't that seem backwards? Usually, a woman writes a Dear John letter to dump her boyfriend. Instead, you're leaving us behind. It's too bad, because you would probably make a pretty good president. You're a stand up guy, I agree with you on pretty much everything you believe in, and I think you've run a pretty good campaign.

But the problem this election cycle is that you're a middle-aged white guy. Your stance on most issues is pretty close to that of Obama and Clinton, but they are not middle-aged white guys (well, Barack is half-white, but you get the idea). You're stuck in the position of being a qualified candidate, but for the first time in American political history, being the middle-aged white guy actually hurt you. And that's bizzare.

I have to admit, I will be voting for Obama in the primaries, but if you ended up as the Democratic candidate, I still would have been okay with that.

Oh, well.

Best of luck to you in the future.

Your Pal,

The Idea of Progress

29 January 2008

Bad, Idea of Progress, Bad!

I make a point to attribute most things I post here. I don't like to take credit for anyone else's work because it is dishonest, and it gives license for others to steal my comic gold (or comedy spray painted a golden color, which I feel is mostly the same thing).

And so the Idea of Progress was mortified to realize he had posted the following photo and not attributed it to the owner:

The photograph originally came from John Baird's Flickr page. I don't remember if I took it from there, or if I found it on Google after someone else stole it (I assume the latter, but I can't remember for sure).

The Idea of Progress would like to extend an apology to Mr. Baird.

In light of this disclosure, tIoP would like to make the following admissions:

-I did not write the second uncredited draft of the Geneva Convention, the one where Harry Potter dies in the end.

-I did not create the beloved character of Jar-Jar Binks.

-I only won the Tour de France three times, not four. I was doping for one of those.

-I was not the governor of Nevada. I just told that to girls as a pickup line.

-While I am an ordained reverend (thank you, internet!), I am not the Pope.

-My tears are not diamonds, merely cubic zirconium

-I was not the fifth Beatle. I was the 17th (after Donovan but before Frampton)

-While I can fly higher than an eagle, I am not the wind beneath your wings.

I apologize for any inconvenience caused by previous statements.

27 January 2008

Rudy Married His Cousin, in the New York Post!

I had previously posted about a video I had shot for a website called Rudy Married His Cousin, which details facts about how Rudy Giuliani married his cousin, then had his buddy, a defrocked priest named Alan Placa (who was accused of molesting four boys) get him an annulment when he decided to marry his mistress.

Well, the site was mentioned today in an article in the New York Daily News. Unfortunately, they don't mention the video on the site, but hey, any publicity is good publicity, right?

I didn't mention last time, so I may as well do so here, that the video was written and performed by Schadenfreude, a Chicago sketch comedy group.

23 January 2008

Dear George,

Wow, you have less than a year left in office. That's not a lot, is it? I've never lived in one place for that long in my entire life-- it must be difficult making plans on where to move to next. Are you and Laura going to rent an apartment? Since your daughters are adults now, you really only need a three bedroom apartment, just in case they are both staying over at once. If you need help finding a place, give me a call. I've lived in six or seven apartments over the last decade, and I'm used to scouting the joints out. I can give you some tips (for instance, turn on the shower! See if the place gets good water pressure!).

You might want to start being more honest, now that you won't have executive privilege to cover your butt. It looks like you and your friends lied 935 times to the public in the lead-up to the war! I mean, that's less than a thousand, which is good, I guess, but if you are always lying to your new neighbors, they probably won't respect you enough to turn down the music when it's past midnight on a Tuesday, or loan you that cup of sugar you need.

Less than a year! What are your plans? I think you should get a job right away. If you take a few months of to "find yourself," you might miss some great opportunities. I mean, you could probably go work for Halliburton! You've helped them out tremendously in the past, and I bet Dick will put in a good word for you.

I'm always here to help. Let me know if you need help finding a new place!

Your Pal,

The Idea of Progress

22 January 2008

Best of Craigslist

I figured you weren't a bum, but I'll still take it if you are. - w4m - 22
Reply to: pers-547301228@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-21, 11:11PM CST

So i saw you on the train. It was around 8am, I was heading to work and I guess so were you, you fell asleep, and I woke you and the end of the line. Sounds a bit romantic right? It might have been your unconscious charm, or the drool. But I thought it was adorable. Either way, I'd hit it. I know it sounds weird but I would love to grab some dinner with you, and maybe if you're lucky I might invite you up for some desert. How's chocolate pudding sound?

-Location: On the Blue Line
-it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 547301228

Original Post

Heath Ledger Found Dead

Actor Heath Ledger was found dead in his SoHo apartment today. The police found pills near the body, and don't believe foul play was involved.

What a bummer. He started off in crappy movies, but he took a lot of risks as an actor, and I was looking forward to seeing him in the new Batman movie this summer.

He was 28.

Dear Fred Thompson,

Running for President was hard, wasn't it? I mean, all of that talking, and walking, and being nice to people and all of that. It's not the same as sitting on your front porch drinking lemonade, or fly fishing, or whatever real Americans do.

It's hard work!

I understand why you decided to drop out. You don't have your experience as a POW to draw from, or being the Mayor of 9/11, or the idea that Jesus came to America, and that the Native Americans are really Jewish. All that you had was the misguided belief that you were Reagan incarnate (maybe because you're an actor, too?).

But look at it this way. Now no one can say that you're running a worse campaign than that cousin-marrying Rudy Giuliani. And that's something.

Your Pal,

The Idea of Progress

19 January 2008



First, I recommend seeing it. I'm not going to tell you anything about it.

A few warnings, though.

It's shot with a handheld video camera. If the Blair Witch Project made you feel dizzy or nauseous, this probably will too. I've been told if you take Dramamine, it will help. Because of this, don't sit too close to the screen. I generally sit closer than most people, but I knew this was all handheld, so we sat much further back. I'd sit as far back as you can. It will help. If you're very sensitive to this type of thing, it might be best to wait for video.

Reactions to it from audience members were very similar to back when I saw Blair Witch-- People either got it and loved it, or didn't and hated it.

I liked it a lot.

It's much funnier than you'd think.

It was worth my admission price, ($10.50), which is the highest praise I can give a movie in the theater. It wasn't a waste of the cash.

I don't want to talk too much more about it, because I don't want to spoil it.


17 January 2008

Happy Birthday, Zooey Deschanel!

Happy 28th Birthday, Official Character Actor of the Idea of Progress! May you only become more beautiful and talented with each passing year!

I'm sure you'll make an excellent Janis Joplin!

15 January 2008

Scientology in Tom Cruise's words

Like we didn't know he was crazy before...This was apparently leaked from a private Scientology event. Kudos to the hero who smuggled it out.

EDIT: The Scientologists work fast. They've already got the first video pulled ("due to a copyright claim by the Church of Scientology" according to YouTube). I'm going to repost it with a working copy, but if it goes down, please visit Gawker, who is hosting their own copy which they have said they are refusing to take down. Take that, Tom Cruise!

EDIT 2: I've had to repost this three times now, since the videos keep getting pulled-- again, if it doesn't work, check out the Gawker link

EDIT 3: That's at least five times I've changed videos!

EDIT 4: From one of the posted videos:

Scientology mini dictionary:
*KSW (short for Keeping Scientology Working): A policy written by
Hubbard in the 1960's that requires all Scientologists to follow his
words and his rules exactly.
"Orgs: Orgs is an abbreviation for "organizations" and describes
all churches of Scientology throughout the world.
*David Miscavige: He is the current leader of Scientology.
He's the equivalent of the Pope to the Catholics.
*Out-ethics: any behavior that violates any of Hubbard's
rules of conduct.
*Put ethics in on someone else: make others conform
to Hubbard's rules of behavior.
*Criminon: Scientology front group that tries to recruit through the prisons.
* SP: Suppressive Person. Anyone that doesn't like Scientology and/or criticizes Scientology.
*PTS/SP: another bogus Hubbard term to define behavior that goes
against Scientology rules.
*LRH technology or "tech": all the Scientology policies, rules, mandates, procedures

13 January 2008

Let's make a band!

I saw this idea over at the Sprawling Ramshackle Compound, who picked it up from I, Splotchy, who in turn got it from The Urban Recluse (who as far as I can tell created this):

First, the rules:

Let's Make a Band:
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

You then take the pic and add your band name and the album title to it, then post your pic.

Here are my results:

1. Tilda's Yellow Shoulder, apparently some kind of bat.
2. "fact, they do so" ("Many people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so." -- Bertrand Russell)
3. The photo

I think that this band is a 70's soft rock revival band, a la Midlake or the Bees. That's my best guess.

I spent way too much time doing this.

11 January 2008


I shot and chopped this 'commercial' for a website called Giuliani Married His Cousin with my production company, Stranger In the Alps Films.


10 January 2008

Life Imitates Art: The Divorce Court Edition

A Polish man visited his local brothel in search of a good time. Upon arriving, he was somewhat dismayed to find his wife of 14 years working there as an employee.

No, really.

They have begun divorce proceedings.

09 January 2008

Life Imitates Art: The Evil Dead Edition

So this man believes his hand had become marked with the Sign of the Beast (presumably a 666, but who knows?). Being a reasonable person, he put a tourniquet on his arm, cut off his hand with a circular saw, and microwaved it.

No, really.

Apparently calm when authorities arrived, the man is now in protective custody in a mental institution.

Incidentally, both of these stories came through the AP wire at the same time.

Life Imitates Art: The Weekend at Bernie's Edition

Two men tried to cash a dead man's social security check. When the clerk asked to see the man himself, the two men wheeled him down to the check cashing store.

No, really.

A cop was having lunch at the restaurant next door, and noticed a crowd around the dead man's body, which was in a wheelchair. The cop called the precinct, and had them arrested.

EDIT: It wasn't a wheelchair...it was an office chair!

08 January 2008

There was Citizen Kane. There was Apocolypse Now. And then...there was this:

I might be the last person in the world to see this. If I'm not, and you haven't, you're in luck. Quite simply, this is a cinematic treasure. Every time you think it's over, or it is about to become repetitive, it takes an abrupt left turn, much like Fight Club, or perhaps Memento.

With cartoon tigers.

And pooping.

Please, please watch this through to the very last second. You can thank me later for bringing such joy into your life.

Last One

Couldn't resist:

Also from the Museum of Bad Album Covers.

...and double Wow.

More at the Museum of Bad Album Covers.


More of the same at Top Socialite.

06 January 2008

Funnier than I am

I would like to direct your attention to an article on Cracked.com, The 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around the World. It is quite simply one of the funniest things I've ever read on the internets. I'm going to spoil one of them for you, but I highly recommend that you read the rest yourself (this is far from the best).

"On the left is a mysterious toy. On the right, a graphical representation of a virus. And, on the bottom is a picture of what can only be a child catching herpes."

This Week in Stupid

You might want to click on the photo to enlarge it, as to truly understand just how stupid this is.

Found here.

Sweet Child O' Mine, via India

Best of Craigslist

to the man who stole beer from the store in freezing weather... - w4m - 18

Reply to: pers-527048530@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-03, 10:51AM CST

i never saw someone run so fast while holding a 24-pack of miller lite as two overweight cops were chasing you down the street.

i was waiting for you to drop the beer in order to run faster, but you never did.

did the cops ever catch you?

if you see this, write to me, and tell me which store you knocked off...

i've never seen someone so passionate, goal-oriented, and determined to succeed.

you could've been an all-star football player...

original post

Awards Roundup

It has been a heady year over here at the Idea of Progress. There were ups and down, thrills, chills, and good old fashioned American Sex and Violence.

The Idea of Progress has both received and been denied various awards. Some were awards of international recognition, some were known only to a few. I feel that now would be the time to review some of these triumphs and thefts.

Awards Stolen From the Idea of Progress

The Nobel Peace Prize

This went to Al Gore and some scientists or something. The work of the Idea of Progress in the field of world domination apparently was of no interest to them. A travesty, to say the least.

The Drysdale Awards

The Idea of Progress was nominated for a 2007 Drysdale Award for Least Influential Political Blog. It seems that there are blogs out there that have less influence than yours truly, making the Idea of Progress an INFLUENTIAL political blog.

Hmmm...I'm going to chalk this one up as a win, then.

Awards Retroactively Granted to the Idea of Progress By Himself

People Magazine's 'Sexiest Man Alive'

Due to a clerical error, it was accidently awarded to Matt Damon. The error was soon corrected, and Mr. Damon apologized.

Awards Garnered by the Idea of Progress

Emu-zing Blogger Award

Given by Bridget Jones Has Nothing On Me. I believe the Emu is most likely the most handsome and courageous of the large, flightless birds of Eastern Australia, and therefore must be the basis of the award.

The award was also given to me by Pistols at Dawn over at Save Your Generation. I take it he also wanted to bestow some of the respect given to the Idea of Progress onto the noble Emu.

100% Guv'ner Approved

Given in recognition for the internationally recognized Idea of Progress Day, celebrated annually on November 26th (which leaves you about ten and a half months to prepare for next year).

The illustration of the Idea of Progress is nearly spot on, and is shown clad in a t-shirt that reads 'Dude,' which for some reason seems oddly appropriate.

Thinking Blogger Award

Also awarded by Bridget Jones Has Nothing On Me, but it was awarded mostly to lure the Idea of Progress into her boudoir, or so I imagine.

Larushka's Uterus

Granted in honor of the Idea of Progress Day, it goes places Pistols at Dawn would never dare.

04 January 2008

The Idea of Progress is Here

The Idea of Progress is:

-Silent as a ninja

-Deadly as a zombie

-Fast as a rocket ship

-Crafty as a beaver

-Tough as a unicorn

-Brilliant like a tree

-Magic like concrete

-Consistent like the wind

And will begin posting again shortly--As soon as the masses begin to clamor.

So soon, then.