30 November 2007

If I was making a major Hollywood movie....


-It would star the Official Character Actor of the Idea of Progress, Zooey Deschanel.

-It would involve robots, or zombies, or perhaps zombie robots.



-I would cast Dane Cook, only to have him butchered onscreen by a zombie robot.

-I would play the zombie robot.

-It would be rated G.

-It would make children cry.

-It would make you cry.

-I would make sure to fill it with as many expensive products as I could, in hopes of getting freebies. Such products would include Bentley automobiles, Rolex watches, and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

-It would be six hours long. There would be no intermission.

-The trailer would feature a voiceover from the "In a world where..." guy. The voiceover for the trailer would begin, "In a world where..."

-Bono would make a cameo appearance.

-He would be killed by a zombie robot.

-It would be the same zombie robot that killed Dane Cook.

-I would still be playing that zombie robot.

-The zombie robots would also be ninjas.

-The movie will be called Mr. Splashy Pants.

-It will gross $10 trillion on its opening weekend.

-It will open next summer.

12 comments:

The Guv'ner said...

And if anyone is butchering Dane Cook I will be advance buying the first million tickets RIGHT NOW.

Can I please have a cameo where I come in and stomp on his head after you massacre him? Just to be SURE?

The Guv'ner said...

OH one more thing...when the robot's done with Dane Cook and Bono can he do something involving the painful removal of Sting's entrails?

gizmorox said...

Hooray for the gratuitous Dane Cook slaying! Every movie should have one of those.

pistols at dawn said...

I want this movie to be made, but I'm afraid G-rated movies won't allow the vicious, Eli Roth-style violence I'd like to see enacted on Mr. Cook and Bono. I say, release it as a snuff film and I'm in for $1 million.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

please stay out of the movie biz.

Red said...

I don't really know much about this Dane Cook of which you speak. Just on spec, I wouldn't kill someone that attractive. Are you jealous b/c he's higher on the SMA list? He's never going to get it; don't get me wrong. It's just that he's higher on the list than you are...

Leonesse said...

I would love to see Mr. Splashy Pants, but for six hours??? Maybe not.

McGone said...

Why don't you actually title it "The Killing of Dane Coke, Bono and Sting" instead, and gross $20 bajillion? Think about it.

Belinda said...

That is ONE nice photo of Mr Cook!
Are you using that to get the chicks in to see your film???

The Guv'ner said...

I have to agree, Mr. Cook cleans up well but he is STILL an annoying DOUCHE.

And he dated Jessica Simpson. I mean....come on.

Catherinette Singleton said...

You probably don't know this, but Dane Cook wants me.

Dale said...

I'd pay 10 trillion dollars to see it. I can't wait.