30 August 2007

A Brief Word From Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho)

For the record, I am not gay. I've never been gay, I never was gay, and I'll never be gay. I don't go around anywhere hitting on men, and by God, if I did, I wouldn't do it in Boise, Idaho! Jiminy!.

Here's what really happened. I ate Taco Bell for Lunch. You ever eat Taco Bell? I had a chalupa, whatever the hell a chalupa is. I was in a hurry. I'm a very busy man, as you can quite imagine. The chalupa, and the hot sauce I unfortunately put on it, went through me like tax dollars through a Democrat's fingers (vote Romney!)

I went to the mens's room to, er... relieve myself. That's where a man goes to do his business! What a man does in the privacy of his own bathroom should be kept as confidential as our wiretapping records! The bathroom was full (the Taco Bell was, in fact, quite busy, which may or may not be a coincidence), and I waited for a moment for a stall. What happened next was described inaccurately by Keith Olbermann:

I was merely adjusting myself, and looking for the sports section, which I had carelessly dropped behind the bowl. Is that a crime? How could someone insinuate that tapping my foot was in any way an attempt to solicit a sex act?

My fellow Americans, This is a crime against me, and a crime against our great nation.

I'm not gay.

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