25 September 2007

Thoughts on The Heartbreak Kid

I've just come from a preview of The Heartbreak Kid, starring Ben Stiller. The ticket was free, and in my defense, I was unaware that it was made by the Farrelly Brothers; I went in blind, only knowing that it starred Ben Stiller, and I was pretty sure it was a remake of an earlier movie, unseen by me. I would warn you that there will be some spoilers following, but I can't honestly imagine why any sentient human being would want to purposely harm themselves in such a horrifying manner such as viewing this movie. Some thoughts:

-A protagonist who is not only not a good person, but who thinks he is (not ironically), a sentiment the movie seems to share. I told the girl taking down people's opinions after the movie that I found him to be "aggressively unlikeable." I may have been too kind.

-A movie that portrays every woman in it as a bitch, a fool, or a bitchy fool.

-A movie that allows Carlos Mencia to appear in it.

-Poor Malin Akerman. She probably viewed this movie as her big break, but all she got out of it was several scenes of her topless (yes, there's nudity, guys), two of the absolutely most non-erotic sex scenes ever filmed, and the opportunity to play a shrill, crazy, unlikeable character that is given no sympathy by the filmmakers (but some from the audience).

-A closeup (yes, a CLOSEUP) of a pantsless woman with a piercing in a very sensitive place urinating on Ben Stiller. The reason I mention this is because it has officially set the bar as low as I've ever seen it set for a joke. To say it fails miserably would be a compliment to it. It makes me long for the kinder, gentler days of teenagers fucking pies.

-Men In Black showed that you can find humor in illegal immigrants struggling to cross the border. This movie tries to. It fails. Instead it garners sympathy for the women and children trying to cross the desert. I was hoping that Ben Stiller would be stranded and eaten by vultures, but to no avail.

-I hated it for making me want money back from a free ticket.

-I hated it for killing off whatever goodwill Ben Stiller still had saved up from The Ben Stiller Show (Along Came Polly used up much of that credit)

I can think of no good reason to see this movie. My friend and I tried to at least make fun of it, but we ended up too depressed by the end. What a waste of time, money, effort, and my evening. I hope that this is the worst movie of the year, because the thought of watching one worse would make a sane person consider suicide as an alternative.


Belinda said...

You changed your pic....you really DO look like the guy from American Pie ;oP

red said...

As a friend told me when I thought about taking advantage of a free ticket offer for _Josie and the Pussycats_, you don't get your time back. I would have taken a chance on that one, though. Thanks for the heads up.

Chris said...

I'll avoid this like the plague.

McGone said...

Ah... I didn't realize Mencia was stinking this up. You need say no more than that.

I would also like to give credit to Steve Martin's Bowfinger for making a legitimately funny immigrant/border crossing joke.

Was the free screening at McClurg Court Theater or 900 N. Michigan? I have been to too many of those screenings back in the day myself.

The Idea Of Progress said...

It was at 600 N. Michigan. The only thing I enjoyed about the movie was the comfy seats.

Evil Genius said...

I missed an opportunity to screen "Go." I feel I spurned my cultural duty to attempt to improve that film. #1. How can you make a movie about rave culture that moves that slowly? It should be all "mmm-tsss mmm-tsss mmm-tsss chikka-chikka-bwow mmm-tsss mm-tss mmmbow-wow." You know, like "Run, Lola Run." #2. The magic marker imagery was so remaniscent of "Pulp Fiction" that the whole movie seemed like a rip-off. When will Hollywood learn that I should be given creative control of ALL movies present, past, and future?

pistols at dawn said...

I love the sentence that ends in f-ing pies. Well played.

I've got to say, though, the problem with tearing up these kinds of terrible films is that my morbid curiosity is intrigued, and I'm actually MORE likely to see it now. Except I still really hate Ben Stiller for ruining a great comedic career that ended right after Zoolander.

Laaw-yuhr said...

There's a enormous building poster for this movie in Chinatown (D.C.) that I'm always walking past and I could tell from the forced zaniness of that poster that this movie blows.
I too mourn the loss of the Ben Stiller Show and don't understand how he can sleeps at night with this spectacular descent into mediocrity.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Too bad... I usually like Ben Stiller. I'm not a fan of the Farrelly Bros., although I smirked a few times during Shallow Hal, I guess. Oh and the Something About Mary flick wasn't bad.

The Guv'ner said...


If I could have a list of celebs I could put a fatwa on, top of that list would be Ben Stiller. Before even Carlos Mencia. Although, granted, Carlos would be number 2.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

It's too bad so many shitty movies are made all the time. You're very brave for going to a pre-screening. All of them that I've been to have been total shit.

Valerie said...

I can't wait to see this movie now. I'm glad you enjoyed it so much.

Grant Miller said...

Ben Stiller isn't always the best when he's THE funnyman. He's much, much better as the straight man.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Thanks for the heads up - from the previews I've seen it looks like the male equivilent to Ellen Degeneres's dismal Mr. Wrong.

I haven't liked Ben Stiller in anything as much as in Flirting With Disaster, but I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt.